Depression

So, um, this is gonna be kind of a tough blog to write because I'm so used to being "Ginger Spice and Everything Nice." And here, for a really long time, it felt like "Ginger Spice and Everything Sucks." But I am about to make a lot of you really uncomfortable because I'm going to talk about something a lot of people pretend doesn't exist. And most people hide from it. Depression.



I don't mean depression in the sense of being sad or feeling like things just aren't going right. I'm talking about bone-crushing, heart-breaking, trying-to-find-the-right-words-to-say-to-your-mom-so-she-doesn't-call-the-police-to-do-a-welfare-check kind of depression.

Toward the beginning of the summer, after Chavo and I got married, things were really good. They were great. But after about a month, I was beginning to feel like I had joined the Witness Protection Program. I had a new state, a new name, a new life, a new apartment, new everything. Everything was different. My friends were different. My church was different. Everything was just... different. And I was beginning to feel like nothing I had ever done (before I got married) mattered.

Nothing mattered. It didn't matter anymore because it was gone. In my mind, it hadn't led me to anything. And that was how I generally felt, that the 21 years previously had meant nothing. And so, I started to feel depressed, I started losing interest in what I previously liked. I wanted to be a teacher so bad, and I didn't have a teaching job. I wanted to be married, and here I was, married, and I didn't know what to do.

I tried making friends. I made a couple of friends, but everyone was always so busy that I never really had time to "hang out". So that was hard for me because I'm an extrovert, I get my energy from being around other people.  You know, Chavo was working all the time, since I was bringing in no income. I was going on interviews and interviews with people who didn't like me from the second that I walked in the door, and I had no idea why. I started to get very confused about why I was even there.

So I got involved in church, in the orchestra and the children's ministry. Chavo was in the orchestra and I had always been involved in a church orchestra since I was 15. It was one of the only consistencies I had between my old life and my new one. But I was feeling torn, in a way, I wanted to be in the children's ministry. But because I felt obligated to be in the orchestra because Chavo was there and I had always been in an orchestra. I also had a run-in with someone in the music ministry, who hated the very ground I walked on.

I had never really been around that before. I had never been exposed to someone who hated me just because I sat in the chair next to them. That had never been a part of my life before. I struggled with that, the bullying she did towards me, and everyone continuing to say that I needed to stand up to her, that she had run off countless people before me. It was a big burden to take on. Every time I left orchestra rehearsal, I felt like I was in hell.

Then I got a job, and I really felt like everything was going to be ok. We had a way to pay the rent, I had a job! And then, that was not what I expected it to be either. So all of a sudden, I'm in a situation where I go to work to get dumped on, and then I go to church and get dumped on. It didn't make any sense! Why would I be led in this direction of total failure and I felt like I didn't want to be anywhere anymore. I would say that was the point where I didn't want to kill myself, I just didn't want to be around anymore.

After that, I went back to my hometown to my doctor and got on some antidepressants and started seeing a counselor. It helped. I start feeling less "I don't want to be anymore" and more "I just don't want to be me anymore, I just want to be somebody else." It wasn't really until recently that I got out of that. Now, I sometimes want to be myself, sometimes I want to be somebody else. And I'm trying to get back into things that I enjoy, which is part of the reason why I'm here. I really enjoy blogging. It's what I like to do. It's a substitute for conversation for me.

I guess I just want to say that I know that there are people out there who have felt like I did, or feel like it now. I just want them to know that I understand. I understand what it feels like to really watch what you say in front of your spouse or your parents or friends so you don't scare them. I know that sometimes people do want to hurt themselves, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they want everything to just stop. Sometimes you just want the world to stop spinning for just a little while, or even longer. I'm not saying it's ok. I'm not going to pat you on the back going "There there, you're ok." I'm here to say that while it may not be ok now, it WILL be. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, that anyone has to, because it sucks and it doesn't make sense. I love all of you. Please talk to someone though. It helps. I know that getting on antidepressants and talking to my counselor helped me. It didn't change the situation, but it helped me to deal with it. I stopped wanting the world to stop spinning, it makes me feel like it's going to change. The situation may get better or worse, but it's not going to be the same for much longer.

So anyway, I don't even know why I'm saying this. Maybe it's because for the last year, I feel like I wasn't able to talk about this to someone that didn't charge by the hour. Because people are afraid of this, they're afraid of depression. They're afraid that you're going to try to hurt yourself or someone else, so they run away. But it sucks not having anyone to talk to.

I love all of you. Thank you for being a part of what I enjoy doing. Coming back to this blog has made me feel better already about where I am in life. And no matter what, this first year of changes is almost over, and the next year is coming. And it will be different, maybe better, maybe worse, but definitely different.

See you next Wednesday.

The last 11 months in GIFS

So, since I've been out since July, I thought I'd give you a little catching up as to what has been going on. But I feel like rewarding some of the people that have stuck with it. Therefore, in order to save you from the massive wall of text that is "the last 11 months" , and since a picture is worth a thousand words, so a GIF should be worth a zillion, here is the last 11 months in GIFs.

Chavo and I got married and moved to our apartment in Fort Worth without killing each other, so at first we were like:


And he was working outside at the auto shop at the Seminary in the Texas summer, so he was always all



And I wanted to be a teacher, but I didn't have a job yet. So anytime someone mentioned me getting a job, I was always like:



And I went to millions and millions of job interviews, and by the end of it I was all:



But then, Ta-Da! I got a job as a teacher in Dallas! And I was all:



But teaching is really hard, so some days, I'm all




But most days, I'm really:



And I REALLY REALLY wanted to blog, but like was all:



Because me and life were like



Then, we moved to Arlington! So things got better:



And then standardized testing came around, and I was all:



And Chavo was like:



Because everyone at my job was like:



And



So I was always very



And
 

But school is going to be over in three weeks, so Chavo and I are both like:




Because we're going back to Guatemala soon for about 2 1/2 weeks, and we're so excited about it, we're as happy as this:



Anyways, blog, it's been a crazy 11 months, and I hope this about covers it. Because I am



Going to go take a nap now. See you next Wednesday!

Back in reaction

You know what? I'm not even going to apologize for having gone blogless for almost a year. Let's face it, I was beginning to have a hard time coming up with good material and crap to post anyway.


But I'll tell you right now, when it comes to stuff to post NOW, I'm set for quite some time. And it's not all soapboxes either, hooray! In the last year... I've learned some serious crap. It never really seems to let up either. I have learned about people, depression, careers, teaching, marriage, friendships, gang violence, church, and real bonafide life-issues.

I do not admit to knowing everything. But for the last several months, I have shut my mouth because there was no point in speaking. Everyone thought I was a total airhead.

But not anymore.

It's time to speak up.

Ginger Spice and Everything Nice is all new now. Because Ginger Spice has changed. And I don't know if it's for the better just yet, but I'm sure as heck going to find out.

Can I come back?

New Bible Denial

So about a week ago, Chavo and I were walking around Lifeway because we were looking for a couples devotional to use. There I was, minding my own business, wondering if “The Love and Respect Experience” was any better than “The Love Dare: a 365 day devotional for couples”. And then Chavo said “We need to look for you a new bible. A Women’s devotional bible.”

My response: “But uh.. uh… I have a bible.”

Chavo: But it’s a student devotional bible. You aren’t a student anymore. You really ought to have a bible more catered to women.

Me: But.. But.. It’s a bible. I like my bible. It’s my bible.

I struggled with this for a little while. Why do I need a new bible? My bible is perfectly good. And it’s MY bible. I have like, stuff written into it. Personal stuff. I have notes and underlines of verses that rock and those that I don’t understand. I’ve had this bible for 3 years, the whole time I’ve been in college. It’s been through 4 Guatemala trips. It got shredded once by my dog, and I bought an exact replica of the bible and copied all of my previous notes and underlines into it (through some major ugly tears). That bible has been with me through crisis after crisis, doubt after doubt, through crazy rebellious faith issues and choosing to become a seminary wife. How can I cast aside my bible for some shiny, new bible?

My friends and I have talked about our bibles. We love them, they are our friends. Your bible isn’t going to walk away from you whenever you do something stupid, it’s going to help you point it out and fix it. It will sometimes even tell you how to fix it! Your bible isn’t going to ask you to come out drinking because you had a fight with your boyfriend, or help you let the air out of your professor’s tires when he gives you a bad grade.

My bible was beautiful and scarred, and though not quite “falling apart”, it was mine and it was clearly used.

But a bible is a bible, and while I had many adventures (and even met my husband) with my old bible, I am in a new segment of my life and will have a ton of new adventures with my new bible. I’ll go on mission trips with the Chavo with my new bible. I’m going to read my bible when we have children. I’m going to have this bible until it falls apart in my hands. Or at least until it gets shredded by my dog, and I have to go buy an exact replica of it and copy all of my junk down into it.

And so, Chavo ordered me a new bible. It came in yesterday. It’s still shiny and new, and the pages make that weird “new bible super-thin pages” noise when you open it. It’s got a ton of pink in it, which at first made me skeptical. But then I remembered, ‘wait, I like pink. It’s just my old bible was blue on the inside. That’s why it’s weird.’ Granted, it’s almost the exact same version of my old bible, I couldn’t deal with much change. My old bible was an Italian duo-tone leather cover (blue and green) student devotional bible by Zondervan. But this one is an Italian duo-tone leather cover (brown and pink) WOMEN’S devotional bible.

I’m trying to not look at it like some weird bible that adults use when they get old and boring. I’m still trying to think of myself as a Woman, not a Girl. It’s weird.  I miss my old bible, I put a lot of investment into that bible. But now, I have to make an investment in this new bible. 

Maybe if it just looks inviting, like an old friend, instead of a new gate. I just need to break it in, make it look loved. I don’t want people to think I never read my bible!

Maybe if I go stick it in the dryer for a few minutes….

The Picaken is BORN!

Yesterday was Chavo's birthday. I responded to said birthday by cooking WHATEVER he wanted to eat. It looks like the kitchen was hit by a dump truck filled with cake batter, condensed milk, colored sugar, marinara sauce, and whatever you find at the bottom of a trashcan left alone for 5 years in a guy's dorm room. Yeah, it's gross. Don't go in there.

But BEFORE the kitchen looked like something out of a Quentin Tarantino film, I make Tres Leches pancakes, Shrimp Pasta, aaaaaand:

A Picaken.
What in the name of all-things-holy-and-covered-in-chocolate is a Picaken, you ask? It is the dessert version of a Turducken (a monstrosity invested by Pharmaceutical companies that consists of a chicken stuffed into a duck, which is all stuffed into a turkey). The picaken is just as equally weird. It is a pie baked into a cake. I made the suggestion two nights ago that I could make a picaken for Chavo's birthday, and he immediately wanted nothing less. And since he's been my husband for around 2 1/2 weeks, and I can't let him know what a big basket of cuckoo I am yet (don't tell him), I couldn't back out on my word.

The next conversation went almost exactly like this:
Me: So what kind of pie do you want in your picaken?
Chavo: Chocolate!
Me: Chocolate? Ooook, what kind of cake?
Chavo: Uhhh... CHOCOLATE!
Me: You want a chocolate pie in a chocolate cake?
Chavo: Yeeeeeeah!
Me: Need I ask what kind of icing you want on it?
Chavo: Chocolate, but can you put Captain America on it?
Me: Uhhh... sure.

So, since this was such a last minute effort, and planning a picaken requires loads of mental preparation (and I'm just a really crappy wife, whatever), I took a few shortcuts. I used a boxed pie and a cake mix. Sue me.

But since there's no recipe for a picaken, and I had to follow Jamie the Very Worst Missionary's blog for the steps to procure such a beast of a dessert, I am going to provide you with instructions on how to give your husband diab-- picaken.

Step 1: Make sure every dish in your house is clean. You will use nearly every one of them. While you're at it, get all your ingredients out. And don't judge yourself if you use all mass-produced ingredients because hey, no one's perfect. And if you're going to royally screw up a recipe you make for the first time, you don't want a lot of effort to go into it. So anyway, get your stuff.

You're going to need a really deep pan for the picaken. Jamie used a springform, and if it was good enough for her, it was good enough for me. I didn't know what size springform pan I should get, so I got a 3 pack from Walmart and just used the biggest one (11 in diameter).

Step 2: Make/unbox your pie. If you use a frozen cream pie (like mine), you don't need to thaw it or anything, just leave it be. If you use a frozen fruit pie, bake it, because its going to take about a million forevers to bake inside the cake. If you make your own pie from scratch, bake it and stop judging the rest of us. Jamie said that if you make a fruit pie, your filling needs to be really thick or your picaken is going to leak. So to make this step shorter: acquire a pie in some way.

Step 3: Prepare your cake batter and begin panicking for Step 4.

Step 4: Pour a tiny bit of cake batter into your pan, enough to cover the bottom of the pan. Then, plop that pie into the pan! Try not to freak out, even though now you're committed and there's no going back unless you just dump the whole thing in the garbage and start over (which I considered doing several times). After you plop said pie (that sounded disgusting), pour the rest of the batter on top of it and hold in the tears.

 Step 5: Bake the monstrosity in the oven for an amazingly long time. Seriously. Put about 40 minutes on the timer and go take a shower or something. Organize your closet or dust the living room. Or, what the heck, watch Youtube videos until you forget what you were doing and the timer jolts you back into reality.

The first 20 minutes, the Picaken will look like this.

Don't let this fool you. It's not done. It's done when it looks like a bomb went off inside of it. Like this:

Step 6: Let it cool. Now, it's time to use one of your lifelines and phone a friend. Because this cake looks super ugly when it's right-side-up, grab a partner and flip this cake upside down. You may not need the partner for the extra hands, but it's really helpful to have someone nearby to punch in anger if you screw something up.

Step 7: The picaken is born!!! Now, it's time to decorate it. And it doesn't matter if my husband is a grown man, getting his Masters degree, if he wants a Captain America cake, he GETS a Captain America cake. He did have to give in on getting chocolate icing, since I can't make the Captain America symbol in brown icing. But oh well, he got his gigantic chocolate cake-tastrophe.

I like to multitask, so I encourage you to go ahead and rehearse your response for when your husband suggests cake-decorating classes. "Oh yeah? Bite me," is not an acceptable response. This is perfect timing because you have to be up-close-and-personal with this cake for an extended period of time, and you're tired of looking at it, so you'll feel about the same as when your husband says something stupid. (I would like to point out that Chavo is smart enough to know not to criticize my decorating skills and said nothing but nice things about how I decorated his cake, which is good, because I had rehearsed my retort very well and was not afraid to use it by that point.

The picaken is finished!!! Now, while you're eating lunch/dinner, go ahead and panic and start apologizing in advance in case the picaken is screwed up. Go ahead and offer to go out and buy another cake if this one is disgusting. Start to image all the horrible things that are going to happen when you cut into this cake. The picaken could ooze, and no one likes oozing. The picaken could be just totally nasty. You could have overcooked it, like I was 98% sure I had.

Then, cut into it and take a bite. Watch the person you baked the picaken for. And if you get a face like this:

It was a SUCCESS! Seriously, it was actually good! It was rich and gooey on the inside, and we both really really liked it. I fully intend on making another one, as I didn't totally screw up this one. You should try making one, or maybe come eat this one, because it's huge and we really can't eat it all. We sent some to Chavo's work, but we still have a ton left. I should have sent more. Oh well, it's freaking good!

Happy birthday, Chavo! I hope I didn't make you diabetic. :)

Yep! We got married!

I think two weeks is an adequate amount of time after a wedding that says "I care about my husband and getting this home settled, but I'm going a little nuts and need to watch cat videos on Youtube for the afternoon."

Either way, Chavo is going to go tear down stuff with big sledgehammers today. One of his coworkers needs a shed demolished, and of course all the guys were climbing over each other for the opportunity to tear something down with giant hammers. Who wouldn't want to do that??? In this hundred-degree weather, I think I'll pass. So here I am.

Anyways, Chavo and I got married two weeks ago, and it was totally fabulous. I don't have pictures from the photographer yet, but my aunt took a few hundred, so I guess it would be nice to see them.

The wedding was so awesome, I couldn't have asked for anything better. My bridesmaids were wonderful. The groomsmen were great. Both families came, and everyone blended so nicely. Chavo's sister and her husband came about a week before the wedding, so we got to spend some good time with them before the wedding, which was wonderful. The four of us had an awesome time. Then the rest of his family came, and it was great. Everyone was laughing and having a good time, and none of us got enough sleep, but oh well.

The wedding itself was just incredible, in that I had no idea what was going on. I do know for a fact that I was super nervous before and during the ceremony, I know that Chavo had a hard time reciting vows in old english (With this ring, I see red, and all my twirly goods...), the videographer made the limo driver take the long way to the reception so they could get the cameras set up (which made for a lot of funny speculation going around with people wondering what was taking us so long... Hmmm), and the DJ played Pitbull's song "International Love" which made me both laugh hysterically and turn a lovely shade of scarlet.

When it was time to go, (and the keys to my car were retrieved from my parents' house), Chavo and I ran through the sea of birdseed to our lovely decorated car. I'm pretty sure I hocked a birdseed-filled loogie right in front of Chavo's cousin Zumby.. Oops. How much I loved that everyone decorated our car in hearts and sweet things, instead of (let's just say it) penises and sex jokes (hey, you know you thought about it). We drove away from the reception and made our way to the Baer House Inn in Vicksburg, which was amazing beyond words. The owner, Doug, greeted us when we got there, and everything was so nice. It was a good stop on our way to Navarre Beach, where we spent our week-long honeymoon.

Navarre was also really awesome. We highly recommend it to anyone. Not as crowded as Destin, but still a lot to do. Chavo and I went jetskiing, we actually bungee-jumped (never again), and loved every minute of our honeymoon. We're already wanting to go back.

We went back to West Monroe and saw my brother off to boot camp. He left for Georgia on Monday, and he seems to be doing as great as one can expect of his first days of Basic Training.

And now, Chavo and I are firmly planted in our new home in Texas. I've been having fun setting up this new apartment, and I think it looks mighty fine. We love having people over, and I've been having a good time meeting new people. I'm playing in the church orchestra with the Chavo, and everyone has been really nice. It's been a good transition so far, but I know that we have a lot ahead of us.

I guess right now, I just really need good thoughts and prayers sent our way in helping us get set up. We're still waiting to hear back from a job that we are really hoping I get, but it is not set in stone yet. We have a lot of ideas, but we're still looking at our options. Chavo is working full time in the auto-shop at the Seminary, and while he's there, I'm at home, doing the things that I guess I need to be doing. His birthday is Monday, so we have some things planned for that. Right now, we could hardly ask for anything better. Being alone in this apartment while Chavo is away at work is giving me lots of ideas for blog posts, so stay tuned!

I'll be back around more often, considering that I have a lot more free time than I did when I was planning the wedding, so I guess I'll be seeing you!

-Ginger Spice

The Quest for the Elusive Marriage License!

I think the title of this post could also serve as a good title for the last 5 days (as well as the next 5). I have been trying to acquire Chavo's and my marriage license, and let's just say, it's not going according to plan. Consider this blog a fair warning to NOT wait until the last minute to get your marriage license...

So, on Thursday of last week, I go bright-eyed and bushy-tailed to the courthouse for what I like to call "Blissful Ignorance and Problem Numero Uno". I was told that we needed both mine and Chavo's birth certificates. Queue initial panic. I have my birth certificate, but Chavo's is still in Guatemala with his uncle, who cannot bring it until 2 days before the wedding. Also a problem because the waiting period for the license is 3 days. Oops.

Problem Numero Uno got solved after we begged Chavo's uncle to FedEx the certificate for us, which he did. He also scanned the certificate and sent us a copy to our emails. Queue Problem Numero Dos: Chavo's birth certificate is in Spanish. Why I didn't consider this from the get-go, I haven't the foggiest. But either we need to get a waiver for the birth certificate (which we should have done first), or we need to get it translated by a "certified translator". My question is: who gets certified?!?! No one! No one gets certified!!! Soooo, we got the waiver. Super duper!

On the second trip to the courthouse, I was told that Chavo and I both had to be present to pick up the marriage license (which is false), so I went up there to get the birth certificate waiver. Turns out, the waiver stays at the courthouse and we're supposed to do everything all at once. Oh, and I don't have to have Chavo there with me to get the license. But I don't have my paperwork. So I drive about Mach 2 to my parents' house to get the rest of the paperwork (because the Deputy Clerk INSISTS that I get here to give her enough time to leave by 4:30 because she's ready to go home). I gather all the paperwork quickly and go back to the courthouse for Trip #3.

Now, for a little backstory, Chavo and I are getting a Covenant Marriage. My church does not do any other kind. It requires pre-marital counseling and just makes it difficult to get a divorce. Long story short, this stuff is serious.

For Trip #3, the Deputy Clerk states that she thinks the paperwork for Covenant Marriage may only be valid for 30 days (it was signed March 20), but she wasn't sure. She called 3 district judges (one wouldn't even make a call on it because it was covenant marriage, ugh), the Clerk of Court, and they ATTORNEY GENERAL!!! No one knew anything, not even the Attorney fricken' General. I left on Friday at 5 pm, still Licenseless.

At that point, I called the Chavo and asked him how he would feel if we just lived in sin for a while. He wouldn't go for it. ;)

On Monday, I was told that we do have to re-do the paperwork, but Chavo and I have to both be present for that. And as everyone knows, Chavo and I are in a long-distance engagement. He's going to be here in about 10 minutes. Mom and I went back to the courthouse before we got the call (Trip #4) and the Deputy Clerk was sick of seeing my face, so she sent us home. Whatevsies.

It is now Tuesday. We should be filling out the new paperwork tomorrow, and then HOPEFULLY we can get our license, so Chavo and I can be legally married.

I have a sneaking suspicion this is God checking my patience levels because honestly, it has gotten too absurd to not have a higher power behind it. What ridiculousness.
Anyway, I'll try to let everyone here know if Chavo and I are going to be legally married at the wedding. Wish us luck, pray for us, we hope to not have a Problem Numero Cuatro, or a Trip #6 to the courthouse.