Yesterday, I completed my first social work internship (HOLY CRAP, I'M HALF A SOCIAL WORKER!) at Pine St Intensive Residential Substance Abuse Treatment. I started out at a Residential Detox and moved into Pine St. about halfway through. All of this was through Tarrant County's MHMR- Addiction Services. This was assigned to me back in November, and when I first got this assignment.... I was pissed.
Like a little toddler in the Walmart cereal aisle, I shook my fists and stomped my feet at the idea that I would have to spend 5 months dealing with drug addicts and alcoholics. I considered changing, but I was worried that if I traded, my next option would be worse than this one. So I grumbled. And moaned. And griped. And complained. All of my friends got WAY better placements than me. I felt cheated.
The first day I walked into detox, I probably had a scowl on my face. I parked my grumpy butt in the office of my new supervisor, Todd. He asked me what drew me to Addiction Services, and like a little brat, I was honest. I told him that I wasn't drawn to it, it was picked for me. Ha! He gave me the run down of what happens in Detox and gave me some things to look up. I had explained to him that I didn't think I would do very much good for Addiction Services, as I had no background in addiction. Frankly, I didn't know jack squat. Todd was very patient.
So for the first week, I sat and watched. I got to assess all the new clients, which scared the everloving crap out of me. I sat and watched the groups. Holding my clipboard like a little security blanket, I sat in the group room chairs and listened to the conversations around me. One lady plopped down next to me and asked me what I was about. Another man across from us, a veteran with one leg, sat across from me and leaned forward.
"Are you a drunk?" he asked.
"Uhh.... no."
"Are you a junkie?"
"No."
"Then why are you here?"
I froze. I didn't even know anymore. I wasn't afraid of him, I just didn't want him to know that I was just here because I had to be. "Umm.. I'm an intern. I'm here to learn."
The lady next to me asked me a series of questions, and it was really the first time I had been in a real conversation with a client. It wasn't until the next day that I would learn her life story. It broke my heart. I heard all the client's life stories that day. Sundays were "timeline days" when each client would go through their life and their addiction pattern. Sundays were rough.
Slowly, I grew to enjoy detox. I got good at assessments, I got to know people, and the clients were mostly nice to me. But more than anything, everyone was patient. I heard all my friends complaining about their internships, and I sat there thinking "my internship is pretty sweet, its not half as bad as theirs." My supervisor (Todd) in particular, was VERY patient with me. He sat through my fumbling through questions about addiction that google couldn't answer. He was open and honest with everyone about his own recovery. I heard him ask questions of clients that I couldn't imagine asking. Any time a client would start to have a tantrum and say that they would do what they wanted, he would response "And how is that working out for you?" I was floored.
I had never met a person that was so tough, yet cared so much about his clients. I wanted to be like that... And 6 weeks into my internship, Todd got moved upstairs to the 30 day treatment program, Pine St. And through a series of circumstances in which I desperately sought to learn more about addiction and recovery, I moved to Pine St a month after that.
April was a hard month. I was spending almost all of my time at Pine St. I was on the Men's Unit, and we had a fantastic group of guys there. I loved being there. I was able to learn so much about Chemical Dependency Counseling, I got to watch how Todd worked and wished that I could be half the counselor he is. I got to do Treatment Planning, it was awesome. I woke up every morning (EARLY) so excited to go spend the day at Pine St. I wanted to do everything. I wanted to do ALL the paperwork, make ALL the copies, go to ALL the groups. I wanted to work there. Working there for free was awesome enough. Imagine getting PAID for this?! I started applying for jobs at Pine St. like a crazy person. I loved working at Pine St. for free more than I enjoyed getting paid at my other job! So... like a normal person.... I quit my job.
Yep, I quit my job so that I could do more hours at my unpaid internship. Because that's what people do, right? That was a hard week, but I couldn't be more happy that I did it. I woke up early in the morning to go to Pine St, worked as hard as I could while I was there, then went home and tried to learn as much as I could so I could go back the next day and do better.
I had to complete 400 hours by May 14th, but as of 2 days ago, I had more than 500. I want to work there. I couldn't be more grateful of the change of heart that I had, that could only have come from God Himself. Seeing the growth from the guys on the unit, grieving the relapses, and affirming the discharging guys on their way out, it changed everything. I was blessed. I got to see miracles happen. I got to see a broken man come into detox and watch God begin to put him back together. I got to witness my heart change in my chest. I got to see the Power that comes when a man breaks down to his core and resolve to make a change, just for today.
Addiction and Recovery are scary subjects, but everyone has been touched by it. Everyone knows at least one person who is addicted to a substance. But yet so few are able to see the beauty of recovery. We get so bogged down in the guilt and shame of addiction that we cannot see that recovery is a wonderful possibility. Recovery is hard, and it's messy, and its wild, but it is beautiful. I cannot think of the number of people that have heard someone say "I'm in recovery" and think "Oh, they have a drug problem." Someone in recovery is focusing on a solution. They are protecting their lives, guarding it with everything that they have. It could not be more noble or more honorable to say "I have a problem, and I cannot fix it alone," and take steps to walk away from it. God loves recovery. He grants serenity, courage, and wisdom to those who ask for it. We can no longer be afraid to talk about recovery.
Last week, my last week at Pine St. I got to begin Morning Group by myself. One of the guys asked me when I was done. I told him, "I was done with my hours back in April. They kick me out next week." He asked me "Well, then why are you here?" And I couldn't believe my answer.
"Because I want to be. They haven't kicked me out yet, and they can't get rid of me this easily."
Because they can't. And I will be back.
Thank you to MHMR- Addiction Services. Thank you to all of the staff at Pine St and at Billy Gregory Detox. Thank you to my wonderful husband, who heard me talk 24/7 for the last 5 months. Thank you to my parents, who let me call them on my rides home for virtually the entire year so far. And a very special thank you to Todd Garlington, my supervisor, who shows the love of God to those around him every day.
