I don't mean depression in the sense of being sad or feeling like things just aren't going right. I'm talking about bone-crushing, heart-breaking, trying-to-find-the-right-words-to-say-to-your-mom-so-she-doesn't-call-the-police-to-do-a-welfare-check kind of depression.
Toward the beginning of the summer, after Chavo and I got married, things were really good. They were great. But after about a month, I was beginning to feel like I had joined the Witness Protection Program. I had a new state, a new name, a new life, a new apartment, new everything. Everything was different. My friends were different. My church was different. Everything was just... different. And I was beginning to feel like nothing I had ever done (before I got married) mattered.
Nothing mattered. It didn't matter anymore because it was gone. In my mind, it hadn't led me to anything. And that was how I generally felt, that the 21 years previously had meant nothing. And so, I started to feel depressed, I started losing interest in what I previously liked. I wanted to be a teacher so bad, and I didn't have a teaching job. I wanted to be married, and here I was, married, and I didn't know what to do.
I tried making friends. I made a couple of friends, but everyone was always so busy that I never really had time to "hang out". So that was hard for me because I'm an extrovert, I get my energy from being around other people. You know, Chavo was working all the time, since I was bringing in no income. I was going on interviews and interviews with people who didn't like me from the second that I walked in the door, and I had no idea why. I started to get very confused about why I was even there.
So I got involved in church, in the orchestra and the children's ministry. Chavo was in the orchestra and I had always been involved in a church orchestra since I was 15. It was one of the only consistencies I had between my old life and my new one. But I was feeling torn, in a way, I wanted to be in the children's ministry. But because I felt obligated to be in the orchestra because Chavo was there and I had always been in an orchestra. I also had a run-in with someone in the music ministry, who hated the very ground I walked on.
I had never really been around that before. I had never been exposed to someone who hated me just because I sat in the chair next to them. That had never been a part of my life before. I struggled with that, the bullying she did towards me, and everyone continuing to say that I needed to stand up to her, that she had run off countless people before me. It was a big burden to take on. Every time I left orchestra rehearsal, I felt like I was in hell.
Then I got a job, and I really felt like everything was going to be ok. We had a way to pay the rent, I had a job! And then, that was not what I expected it to be either. So all of a sudden, I'm in a situation where I go to work to get dumped on, and then I go to church and get dumped on. It didn't make any sense! Why would I be led in this direction of total failure and I felt like I didn't want to be anywhere anymore. I would say that was the point where I didn't want to kill myself, I just didn't want to be around anymore.
After that, I went back to my hometown to my doctor and got on some antidepressants and started seeing a counselor. It helped. I start feeling less "I don't want to be anymore" and more "I just don't want to be me anymore, I just want to be somebody else." It wasn't really until recently that I got out of that. Now, I sometimes want to be myself, sometimes I want to be somebody else. And I'm trying to get back into things that I enjoy, which is part of the reason why I'm here. I really enjoy blogging. It's what I like to do. It's a substitute for conversation for me.
I guess I just want to say that I know that there are people out there who have felt like I did, or feel like it now. I just want them to know that I understand. I understand what it feels like to really watch what you say in front of your spouse or your parents or friends so you don't scare them. I know that sometimes people do want to hurt themselves, and sometimes they don't. Sometimes they want everything to just stop. Sometimes you just want the world to stop spinning for just a little while, or even longer. I'm not saying it's ok. I'm not going to pat you on the back going "There there, you're ok." I'm here to say that while it may not be ok now, it WILL be. I'm sorry that you had to go through this, that anyone has to, because it sucks and it doesn't make sense. I love all of you. Please talk to someone though. It helps. I know that getting on antidepressants and talking to my counselor helped me. It didn't change the situation, but it helped me to deal with it. I stopped wanting the world to stop spinning, it makes me feel like it's going to change. The situation may get better or worse, but it's not going to be the same for much longer.
So anyway, I don't even know why I'm saying this. Maybe it's because for the last year, I feel like I wasn't able to talk about this to someone that didn't charge by the hour. Because people are afraid of this, they're afraid of depression. They're afraid that you're going to try to hurt yourself or someone else, so they run away. But it sucks not having anyone to talk to.
I love all of you. Thank you for being a part of what I enjoy doing. Coming back to this blog has made me feel better already about where I am in life. And no matter what, this first year of changes is almost over, and the next year is coming. And it will be different, maybe better, maybe worse, but definitely different.
See you next Wednesday.
