Over the last month or two, I've been trying to make myself go to the gym. I don't really like going to the gym, and I can't really deal with it when people say they "LOVE cardio." Mainly because cardio makes me hate everything. I literally do cardio to not die of diabetes or heart disease. I run because I imagine Death is chasing me.
Chavo and I go to the YMCA. It's close to our apartment, it's cheaper than the other gyms, and we can typically avoid people that are super in-shape that judge us with their eyes. We are trying to go 3 times a week, so that the membership fee doesn't become a fat-tax, but we haven't gone this week so far, and I went by myself. Anyway, all that to say, I went to the gym today, but I had to psych myself up for about an hour to go.
It was pretty empty, there was just one other guy on one of their 20 treadmills. So I got on another treadmill a reasonable distance away. While I am not a man, I do know urinal etiquette, and treadmill etiquette is pretty similar.
Then there he was... I couldn't see him yet...
But I could smell him.
A man... I don't want to call him "old," because that seems mean. I'll just call him "retired." Because that isn't an opinion, it's a statement of fact. This retired man came into the gym, wearing a LOT of cologne. And got on the treadmill right. by. me.
At this point, there are three of us on treadmills. Before this man walked up, there were 18 treadmills that were totally free. But, he picked the one right next to mine. I had to breathe through my mouth because of the cologne that he had on. I was running and couldn't breathe through my nose. It epicly sucked.
I considered moving to another treadmill, but it would have been super obvious I was moving away from him. I didn't want to be a jerk to this man who obviously didn't know proper gym etiquette, it wasn't a cause for panic yet. I could still breathe through my mouth.
Then, he kept looking at my treadmill, very obviously. Now, I know that I like to sneak a peek at my neighbor's treadmills just to make sure I'm not too much of an out-of-shape loser. After all, if we get chased by a bear, I don't have to run faster than the bear, just faster than you. So I let this slide. However, my mind has already given this man 2 strikes. Too much cologne, and obvious staring at my treadmill are annoying enough. At least I have my earbuds in, so I can just pretend that this man isn't bugging the crap out of me, and just imagine how I'm going to tweet about this later.
The cologne smell is getting out of hand. As I type this, I want to take about 12 boiling showers, because I can still smell this cologne in my hair. Gross. It smells like an old church pew that has been marinating in Bengay and stale TV dinners. And this man keeps staring at me, so I know I must be mouth-breathing too loud, but he's the jerkwad that chose to wear his nasty man-stench to the gym. Like, seriously, I barely even shower before I go to the gym. Deodrant smell is expected. Not this onslaught of smell that was from the treadmill on my right.
After my workout, I went to the stretching area, only to see this man two minutes later, looking at me. He then got on the stretching machine right next to me AND TRIED TO TALK TO ME. He asked me my name, but I pretended not to answer him. This man isn't ignorant of gym etiquette, he's a creepazoid!! Dude, I'm not wearing makeup, I haven't showered, and you have no business talking to me right now. I have my earbuds in, I clearly don't feel like being all "Chatty Cathy" with you. You're older than my awesome grandfather, and you wear too much cologne! At that point, my manners flew out the window. I got off the stretching machine and ran out of the gym. Stupid cologne man.
I know that many of you know proper treadmill etiquette, but it seems that it is not common knowledge. So allow me to share.
1.) Do not get on a treadmill directly next to someone that you do not know, unless it is unavoidable. When in doubt, leave at least 1 or 2 treadmills between you.
2) Perfume and cologne are not only unnecessary, but a sensory insult to those around you at the gym. Your sweat makes it even worse. Deodrant however, is demanded.
3) If someone around you had in earbuds, and you do not know them, striking up a conversation is annoying.
4) Someone people don't feel like being hit on at the gym. In fact, I don't know any people who LIKE being hit on at the gym. But generally, if there is a girl that is not wearing any makeup and clearly hasn't showered, don't hit on her! Just say no.
Anyway, that's my public service announcement for this month. Treadmill etiquette, learn it, live it.
The more you know.
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