On this day, 3 years ago, the Chavo asked me to be his girlfriend. Now, we are 3 days past our 1- year wedding anniversary. Reaching our 1-year feels a lot like graduating for Chavo and me. We high-fived, we raised our glasses, and we thanked God for all the people that helped us get to this point.
I'm no expert on marriage, but I know something: no one told me what the first year of marriage would be like. No one told me what to do or not to do. The only thing anyone ever told me about that first year is that we would be having tons of sex. Yeah, I said sex. Sue me.
But newsflash: sex is not all you have to deal with in your first year.
I used to watch weddings with tears of joy. Now, I watch them through the cracks of my fingers, nearly screaming "Don't go into the basement! The psycho axe murderer is in there!" But don't get me wrong, a lot of my friends are getting married this summer, and I'm happy for them. I'm not arguing against getting married. On the contrary, I'm fighting for it. Too many people have divorced because no one told them what the first year would be like. People say "The first year is the hardest," but they never say why. Then when you struggle, they're the first ones to say "Well, did you think it was going to be eeeeeeeasy?" The last person that told me that almost got to press charges on me for assaulting them with a box of dishwashing detergent.
However, coming out of this, I'm going to give you a little insight into your first year, and hopefully some ways to help.
What they don't tell you:
- You have to compromise about 20 times more than you were already planning to- About a month after getting married, I started asking Chavo questions about things he preferred or didn't prefer and seeing if I could guess what his preferences were. I guessed correctly almost every time because he prefers exactly the opposite of me.
Chavo takes naps, I drink coffee. Chavo likes going to the gym, I like being outside for exercise. When Chavo drives on long trips, he likes to stop to stretch his legs every hour or so; when I drive, I will nearly pee myself before I stop at a gas station.
One Saturday, Chavo decided that he was tired of going out to the same places. He also had never had Thai food before, so he decided that he wanted to eat at a Thai restaurant for dinner. I had just gotten over the stomach virus and was simply thankful for keeping food INSIDE my body, so I was not up for trying new food, but I did want to go somewhere different, so I suggested a compromise of going to a restaurant we had never been to, but had that type of food before. (Holy run-on sentence, Batman!) This was the response I got.
"We have been compromising all week, I just want to do what I want. It's Saturday, I'm tired of compromising!"
"So you don't have to compromise on Saturdays?"
"No! I should get to do what I want on a Saturday."
"Even if you're dragging me along and I don't want to go?"
"Yeah!"
At that point, I started laughing. It was probably one of the dumbest fights we've ever had. We can laugh about it now, knowing that it was a ridiculous argument, but the fact of the matter was that we were both tired of changing and compromising as much as we were. And for the record, we ate sandwiches that night and didn't talk to each other until the next morning.
- You're going to have to decide who you want to me mad at you. For someone that never wants people to me mad at her, this was a hard pill to swallow. See, there's this thing called "boundaries" that people don't seem to know about. People will ask you for the most personal, intimate information about your marriage, your sex life, and your family, and it's really none of their flipping business.
Especially sex. For real. People ask the most personal questions, really feeling entitled to an answer. Things like "So, what did you learn about your spouse that you didn't expect in the bedroom?" is the most bonkers question to ask a newlywed. And trust me, if they're dumb enough to ask this question, they are dumb enough to get mad at you when you don't answer it.
As a pretty open and honest girl, it's really hard to put a lock on certain topics. But I had to. I had to learn that some information is none of anyone's business. Even if it's my best friend who would never tell a soul. Some information is only (not best, only) kept between the two of you and a counselor, if you choose to see one. Even my blog is approved by Chavo if I talk about him.
Don't be afraid to hurt feelings of people that ask you these questions. You don't always have to be a butthole, but not telling them what they want to know WILL hurt their feelings. So freaking what? Learn to say, "That's on a need-to-know basis." Someone is going to be mad at you- either the one asking you for information or your spouse. It's up to you to decide which one is more important.
- You will see the ugliest side of yourself very, very fast. Back in like, month 6, Chavo and I got into a huge fight right before church. To be honest, I don't even remember what we were fighting about. But see, when I fight, I don't run away, I run into it. Chavo tries to walk away, but I won't have it.
So I'm getting dressed for church, following Chavo so he can't escape from me, and so he starts straight-up ignoring me. I got his attention in the only way I could think of.
I started screaming the meanest and ugliest words I could think of. When that didn't work, I threw a stiletto heel. Not at him, but at the door next to me. And it stuck.
When I saw the hole in the door (which looks strikingly like a bullet hole), I absolutely lost it. We both did. Except this time we were both in agreement: I am absolutely bat-crap crazy. Chavo left the apartment and didn't come back until about 7 that evening, and I spent the remainder of the day hating myself. Thank the Lord that we can laugh about the shoe-throwing incident now, but I learned a very important lesson.
The thing is: when you get married, you and your spouse become mirrors for each other. And it's not always in that sexy Justin Timberlike way. You can't hide anything anymore. I could hide my shoe-throwing guanopsychosis because no one had to see it. It's hard to hide who you are when you live and share a bed with someone. It's even harder to hide when you really need help.
I wish I could tell you that there was a way to avoid all of this, but the only way you can avoid this is to not get married. You WILL have to put up with this at some point, but there are ways to help yourself deal with it.
Get thyself to counseling!- Even if your issues are minor, even if you think you can't afford it, it is an incredible help. There are plenty of churches out there with counseling centers, or schools with students who need the internship hours. And for those couples who think they're exempt from this because they had premarital counseling, so did Chavo and I.
Counseling does not mean that you are on the brink of divorce, or that you hate each other. Chavo and I consider our counselor to be an invaluable asset to our marriage.
*gasp* Yep, we have a counselor. And he is helping us establish healthy patterns in our marriage for years to come. I highly suggest getting a counselor to anyone this early. You would rather establish these patterns NOW then have to go back and fix them later.
Find a group of newlyweds- For Chavo and I, this was our newlywed Sunday School class. We tend to speak in hypothetical situations, involving neighbors and friends (see, my neighbor and her husband fight over who has to do dishes), but I like to go in there and mix it up. They know about me throwing the shoe. Not my friend, or my neighbor, me. It also helped them to see that Chavo and I still love each other and are still together, even if we are just as broken as the rest of them.
There will be people in a group like this that pretend that everything is rainbows and sunshine. Be there for these people. They need the most help. People who are led to believe that struggles lead to divorce are the first ones to divorce at the first sight of them. Struggles are more than common, they're a fact of life.
Learn to communicate- Notice I didn't say "learn how to talk". Sometimes, talking is where the problem is. Not all communication is talking, it's actions. Learn what your actions are saying. If you are saying "I am making you a priority" to make your spouse feel better, but your actions say differently, what is your spouse supposed to think?
This tip does not require a lot of explaining. It's pretty self-explanatory.
Anyway, I'm glad that we have this year behind us, and we are praying for all of our friends who just got married or who are getting married soon. I hope some of what I've said here prepares you a little more for the road ahead.
See you next Wednesday, where I will talk a lot about Guatemala. We've been here for 4 days so far, so I'm excited about what I have to share for next week!
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